The Lost Tale of Sailor Mars

“Parurusahan kita, sa ngalan ng Mars!” – these were the words I used to utter when I was still young, Grade 5 to be exact, while atop the teacher’s desk to the amusement of my classmates.

Yes, I did come out of the closet pretty early. But I was also shut right back in pretty fast.

Trip to the past:

I used to daydream of being Sailor Mars. Together with two friends, we were called the Sailor Stars of our school then. For those who grew up during the mid-90s, I am sure you are pretty familiar with Sailor Moon and her cohorts. Apparently, they have become the ultimate gay icons during that time.

We will be walking down the corridors or in the canteen like we were the queens of the school—unmindful of the mocking stares and the malicious whispers around us. I think it is safe to assume that we were free then, at least inside the campus. Back home, it would be a different story.

Everything changed when my mom knew about my girly activities in school. I remember having a talk with her, telling me I am not gay. Afraid of being beaten by the belt she was holding then, I succumbed to her belief. Who knows, probably I am really not gay.

I then mellowed down during the remaining of my grade school years. No more shouting and running around the campus pretending to be a Japanese heroine. I was checked every now and then by my mother at school, so every move I make was reported to her. So, I was really careful trying to change who I am.

I spent the rest of my high school and college years trying to clean my slate from my girly past. I tried to make people believe I am no longer the person I was then. I made them think that Sailor Mars is gone and just a mistake from yesterday.

Back to the Present:

Right now, I can say that I have changed a lot. But then again, there are just some things you really cannot alter.

I have been feeling like a prisoner for the longest time now. Probably because I cannot express myself the way I want to. Probably because I am trying hard to conform to the norms of the society so that I can be spared from its harsh judgments. Probably because inside me, I know that this is not me.

I am pretty contented with my life right now. But then again, I am not happy for I know I have imprisoned myself. I am not happy because I know that there are a lot of things I could accomplish and territories I could conquer if only my real self could get out of its shell.

On a positive note, I am thankful for my mother’s intervention then. I think she only did what she did to spare me from the harshness of the society for people like me. If she did not intervene then, I cannot imagine what I could have become at the present.

But the thing is, I know that the time will come that I would have to tell her Sailor Mars was never gone. I know it will probably hurt her and I am afraid to do that. Every now and then she would be asking me if I already have a girlfriend and I would answer her with a regretful none. There would also be times that she would be blurting out that she hopes she could have a grandson from me and I would just smile. 

Those are the times that I know she is reminding me never to let Sailor Mars out of the closet. It is not that I can't do it-- I also get attracted to girls-- the thing is,  it is hard to look for someone who could probably accept me for who I am whatever my sexual preferences are. It is already hard to look for a guy to love me, what more a girl.

If I can only change everything, I would really change who I am. I never chose to be like this. I wasn't the one who decided what my sexual preferences would be. I tried and still trying to live as normal as possible to the expense of losing my personal freedom. I am doing this not just because I am afraid of being judged but because I know I will be hurting people once I totally embraced who I am.

So, until that time when hurting them would just be my last option, I think I could already have the courage to finally let Sailor Mars out and enjoy the sunshine she had never seen for the longest time.