Falling For a Straight Guy

YES, I did what I know I was not supposed to do.
I fell for a straight guy-- yet again.

I know. I have been through this a number of times (actually too many to mention) but every time I do, it always feels like the first time. The pain never diminishes nor have I learned my lesson. Stupid of me, I know, but what can I do, I really do love him?

I also am aware I am not the only one who have been through the same ordeal. I am also aware that you know how it feels like to be cursed with unrequited love. I am also aware that we know there is really nothing we can do when faced with this situation.

Like a bitter pill, we just have to swallow the fact that we can never be. For just like before, I know, I will be able to move on.

And I believe that someday, somehow, the one will come knocking on my door-- probably blaming the bottleneck traffic at EDSA for being late.

Until then, let the pain consume me. I'll take it all in.

I Was Number Two: Confessions of a Male Mistress

"We are the perfect lovers, we are not just in the perfect situation..."

These words still linger to my senses until now. Days after receiving this text message from him, I think I am finally ready to let go. 

I admit, I was somebody's number two-- a male mistress in other words. I knew right from the start that he is already in a relationship. But what the heck, I got carried away by his kisses, his embrace, and his whispers of sweet nothings. What started out as a simple meet-up ended up as a 'forbidden' relationship.

Everything was so fast. We met and had a couple of beers. We were both joking around and teasing each other when he went for my lips.Ah, god, how I missed that! I haven't been kissed like this for a long time. It went on for a couple of minutes until I was already on his lap, lips still locked together. 

At the back of my head, I know what I was doing was wrong but I would be a hypocrite to say that I did not expect this to happen when we agreed to meet. I knew that he is already in a relationship but I still went on. The real reason as to why I agreed to meet in the first place was the thought of having sex again. Furthermore, he also looks like my first love (whom I have never gotten over with all this time). 

After the kissing came the expected. We transferred to his room and continued some more until things heated up. All of a sudden, we were without our clothes already. The kisses became more intense as every touch  became  passionate as well. I was happy. We were happy. 

That night, I slept in his arms-- something I have not done for a long time. I must say, it felt good, I liked that part more than the lovemaking itself. When morning came, I whispered him goodbye. He whispered back, saying, "don't go yet... i love you."

That was it. Fragile and gullible as I am, I believed that. 

As days passed by, we became lovers. We were each other's lalabs (corny, noh?).I was happy but never contented for some thoughts kept bothering me. At first, I became contented with his I Love Yous. Later on, my moral values engulfed me. I know what I was doing was wrong, so I had to stop.

I broke up with him a week ago through text, after consuming bottles of beer. I broke up with him because I don't want to hurt anyone. I broke up with him for myself-- I am better than being a number two. I broke up with him because thoughts that he may also become unfaithful to me always come inside my head. I broke up with him because it is simply the right thing to do. It hurts, I know, but it must be done.

I remained tough regardless of his begging for me to come back. I did not want him to choose between me and his partner for I was afraid I will might lose if I did. They have been together for two years, while we have only been together for two months. I certainly do not want to ruin what they already have. Call me stupid or a martyr, but believe me, I only did that for love.

Today, I just received a message from him asking me if I am still awake. I did not reply. I really must be getting over him already. This is a good sign. :) 

(this is just a draft. will edit in the morning...)

LSS: Stuck like Glue

I am currently loving this song by Sugarland. The video shows a girl stalking the guy of her dreams (well, as what the video probably suggests), putting into heart the adage, Try and try until you succeed! 


People, I hope you enjoy Stuck Like Glue, as much as I do.

Rooting for Charice!

Being a Filipino, I am really proud when something happens to showcase how great the Philippines and its people are. This time, Charice did us all a favor by being chosen to guest star in GLEE.

In this video, which I do not own (I just got it from YouTube), all the scenes Charice is in were put together. I had goosebumps while watching this video. I hope you also feel fulfilled of our girl, Charice as she tries her best to make us all proud. I know, there are haters, but who cares anyway? Just savor the moment before it is gone.

Spoiler Alert:

I just don't like how Sunshine (Charice) got pirated by Vocal Adrenaline in the end. But who knows what the writers are planning. ^^

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The Lost Tale of Sailor Mars

“Parurusahan kita, sa ngalan ng Mars!” – these were the words I used to utter when I was still young, Grade 5 to be exact, while atop the teacher’s desk to the amusement of my classmates.

Yes, I did come out of the closet pretty early. But I was also shut right back in pretty fast.

Trip to the past:

I used to daydream of being Sailor Mars. Together with two friends, we were called the Sailor Stars of our school then. For those who grew up during the mid-90s, I am sure you are pretty familiar with Sailor Moon and her cohorts. Apparently, they have become the ultimate gay icons during that time.

We will be walking down the corridors or in the canteen like we were the queens of the school—unmindful of the mocking stares and the malicious whispers around us. I think it is safe to assume that we were free then, at least inside the campus. Back home, it would be a different story.

Everything changed when my mom knew about my girly activities in school. I remember having a talk with her, telling me I am not gay. Afraid of being beaten by the belt she was holding then, I succumbed to her belief. Who knows, probably I am really not gay.

I then mellowed down during the remaining of my grade school years. No more shouting and running around the campus pretending to be a Japanese heroine. I was checked every now and then by my mother at school, so every move I make was reported to her. So, I was really careful trying to change who I am.

I spent the rest of my high school and college years trying to clean my slate from my girly past. I tried to make people believe I am no longer the person I was then. I made them think that Sailor Mars is gone and just a mistake from yesterday.

Back to the Present:

Right now, I can say that I have changed a lot. But then again, there are just some things you really cannot alter.

I have been feeling like a prisoner for the longest time now. Probably because I cannot express myself the way I want to. Probably because I am trying hard to conform to the norms of the society so that I can be spared from its harsh judgments. Probably because inside me, I know that this is not me.

I am pretty contented with my life right now. But then again, I am not happy for I know I have imprisoned myself. I am not happy because I know that there are a lot of things I could accomplish and territories I could conquer if only my real self could get out of its shell.

On a positive note, I am thankful for my mother’s intervention then. I think she only did what she did to spare me from the harshness of the society for people like me. If she did not intervene then, I cannot imagine what I could have become at the present.

But the thing is, I know that the time will come that I would have to tell her Sailor Mars was never gone. I know it will probably hurt her and I am afraid to do that. Every now and then she would be asking me if I already have a girlfriend and I would answer her with a regretful none. There would also be times that she would be blurting out that she hopes she could have a grandson from me and I would just smile. 

Those are the times that I know she is reminding me never to let Sailor Mars out of the closet. It is not that I can't do it-- I also get attracted to girls-- the thing is,  it is hard to look for someone who could probably accept me for who I am whatever my sexual preferences are. It is already hard to look for a guy to love me, what more a girl.

If I can only change everything, I would really change who I am. I never chose to be like this. I wasn't the one who decided what my sexual preferences would be. I tried and still trying to live as normal as possible to the expense of losing my personal freedom. I am doing this not just because I am afraid of being judged but because I know I will be hurting people once I totally embraced who I am.

So, until that time when hurting them would just be my last option, I think I could already have the courage to finally let Sailor Mars out and enjoy the sunshine she had never seen for the longest time.

thisisby.ME

After months, or even years of hibernating, here I am again– trying desperately to be a writer.

Writing has always been one of my passions. Though I think I am not that good at it, writing has always made me feel good. It is my outlet– where I pour out all of my emotions. It is through it that I express what I can’t say to the world. I can still remember the very first time an article I wrote was published in our school paper. I was so excited that I had secretly manipulated my classmates and friends into reading it. From then on, my "career" as a campus journalist started.

From a being a staffwriter, I was able to work myself up into being an Associate Editor. The experience had made me love writing even more. From news articles to column articles, name it, I had done it. I also have bad experiences like when I was nearly stripped off my scholarship and reprimanded by my editor and our College Head for being too straightforward in my columns. But nothing compares to the praise mails I get from readers– which are also students like me.

Indeed, the glory of the byline contributed a lot into shaping who I am right now. My self-esteem was built, which is an important factor. Because of this, I knew from then on that writing would be my career for real– but time had other plans.

Now, I am in a job that is completely not in line with the course I took in College. It is not as challenging as the pressworks or not as fulfilling as the glory of the by line (but I am not complaining, well, a bit, probably, but who doesn’t anyway?). I am so busy that my writing has been put on hold. But I still try to write trying not to be stagnant. The problem is that whenever I try to write again (with the passion and energy I had when I was still in College), I simply don’t have the energy anymore or that ideas seem so distant. I simply miss writing.

This article would be my first article again– after long years of hibernating.  I am just happy that I am "write on track" again.

For You, W....

I don’t know how to start. I don’t even know what to say. But I think it is time for you to finally know how I truly feel. I guess it is time for you to realize the trance you have put me under since I have fallen for you. I know I have to somehow put an end to this feeling that had taken control of my life already.

I don’t know how you will take it, but I have to let it out: I love you.

For more than a year now, I have been in the shadows loving you in silence. And it hurts like hell. I feel like a criminal in hiding, where in fact, all I could be held accountable for is loving someone I can’t have– loving you.

Ah. I can still remember how you caught me off guard. You just smiled and broken down my barriers. With your stare, I lost control and yielded. You touched me and I was yours. You have defied my standards, rewrote them, and made them your own.

Since then, the feeling I had for you grew stronger. Day by day by day, I seem to dig deeper and deeper into the pit I have fallen into. My emotions have both become a curse and a blessing for me.

Since then, the pain that goes with loving you had also intensified. My heart would scream out in pain every time I am with you. I would be happy but it will soon be replaced with hurtful realizations afterwards that I can’t have you.

I know, I shouldn’t really love you, but what can I do, I fell hard for you. I must say it was all your fault for you have pushed me too hard– now I can’t get up.

At first,  I couldn’t tell you how I feel  for I can’t. I couldn’t tell you because I shouldn’t,  knowing that you love another.

I guess I would have to be contented in loving you in the shadows. I guess I would have to be contented just watching you smile though I know those are not for me. I guess I would have to be contented to see your eyes though it is not me they are looking at. I guess I would have to be contented and happy being just your friend for I know it is all we could ever be.

But I am just human. I guess nobody could really blame me for wanting more. I guess it is not really a sin to hope, to dream, and to wish for you. Yes, dream, wish, and hope– these are I could do. That in my reality, you are mine and only mine.

Now that I have expressed what I have inside for you, all I am asking from you is a little understanding. If you should ignore this and walk away, I guess I would have to understand as well.

I love you and I can’t help it. I tried to stop it and move on but all I did was make a U-turn and returned to you. I guess I really couldn’t run away from this. All I have to do is face it– with all the pain included.